Foreword: Fuck sian, my colleague just reminded me that we both have a homework assignment to hand up on wednesday. Now I really need to Shou Sui for my parents tonight. No mood to do proper work= Mood to blog=Inspiration for TYS
TYS- Annoying questions to ask your relatives during CNY
1) Have you put on weight? or Wah, you now very prosperous hor. Can be McDonald’s prosperity burger. (Meanwhile their eyes are glancing at you from top to bottom, staring incredulously and shaking their fucking heads)
TYS model answer: Yeah I did. Good to be prosperous mah. (Meanwhile glance at Relative from top to bottom, staring incredulously and shaking your head). How come you are so thin this year? OMG, are you sick? Do you have …….? (eg. AIDS/Cancer/Any Terminal disease)
2) Where’s your bf/gf? or Do you have a bf/gf?
Beware: This question is extremely dangerous when paired with Qns 1. Also known as double combo killer. Cause their goodwill will somehow propel them to give ‘useful’ advice like how losing weight will ensure a steady stream of bf/gfs.
TYS model answer: Yah I have. And i am just going to invite you to my wedding. But it is not legal in Singapore yet. You can fly to Canada for my wedding with Sarah (if you are a girl)/ Peter (if you are a guy)? When do you think Singapore will legalize gay marriages? We pay the same tax as straight people, but why can’t gay people get married in Singapore? Not fair right? (engage in discussion on gay marriages in Singapore)
3) When are you getting married?
Beware: This question may be asked after an innocent question of how long you have been dating your gf/bf.
TYS model answer: Uncle/Auntie, luckily you ask me this question. So when are you dying ah? Remember to give me the ang bao before you die ok? Pass to my parents also can, or just leave in your will lah.
4) How come you have an outbreak of pimples/ bad complexion this year?
TYS model answer: Have been staying late to watch porn everyday. The videos load faster at night also. Very sian to wait for videos to load when you are already very turned-on.
5) Did you get retrenched this year?
Rant: Fucking dulan question, cause you probably don’t want to talk about it, or you are still cursing your company over the retrenchment.
TYS model answer:
1) for singles: Ya got retrenched lor. Recession time now. Cash flow also very tight. Auntie, you got give me big angbao right, to help me since I am jobless? (You are allowed to open her ang bao and pull out all the notes). WAH piang, how come 4 dollars only? Auntie, you very stingy leh. You still think now is early 1900s++. Policemen no longer wear shorts, and wanton mee is no longer 2 cents. 4 dollars is not enough for transport to your house leh. Wah, come here so lugi one- lose money somemore.
2) for married people: ya got retrenched lor. Recession time now. You don’t mind I don’t give ah boy/ah girl ang bao right. Since now you know about my situation, I also don’t need to pretend anymore. (takes ang baos back from Auntie’s children.)2009-01-27